so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize