I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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