My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
