i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
