Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
