I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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