She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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