saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
