my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
