Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
