I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
