i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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