I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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