i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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