wakey wakey hands off snakey
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
