girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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