guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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