That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
