I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
