....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize