i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Oh god it's open bar.
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