WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
