none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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