i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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