Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
