Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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