is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
