I wish my penis had an off switch
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
