My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
