I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
