i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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