how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
