Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
