Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
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