How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
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