the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
