I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Randomize
