All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
