:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
