Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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