I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
