toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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