Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize