Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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