Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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