GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
