I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
