My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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