i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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