i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
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