I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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