you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
