Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
