can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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