here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
