Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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