My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
