If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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